Your tax dollars at work (A play in one act)
photo by uncleboatshoesIt is Tuesday morning. The dapper and competent DC Viking takes a break from working for the man in order to renew his Washington DC vehicle registration on-line. He takes a sip from his delicious cup of Starbucks coffee, anticipating a quick and simple exchange of $87 for a window sticker and a cheap cardboard card that will allow him to drive and park in Our Nation's Capitol.
DC Viking: I'm extremely excited to be renewing my registration using the convenient, state of the art DC DMV website. What an amazing and wondrous time we live in.
(Our hero's brow furrows when he notices an additional charge of $100 for a traffic camera ticket that must be paid before he can register his car. He picks up his phone and calls the number listed on the website. After navigating the automated options for several minutes he finally reaches a real person.)
Service Agent: Ticketing department. Ticket number please.
DC Viking: S007458217. But it's not mine.
SA: What can I help you with?
DCV: This isn't my ticket.
SA: I see.
DCV: No really. Could you please tell me when and where this ticket was issued?
SA: It was issued on June 1st, 2003 on the corner of Massachusetts and Wisconsin.
DCV: See! That can't possibly be my ticket. I lived in Minneapolis in 2003!
SA: The ticket is on your record.
DCV: Yes, I know that. Could you give me any other information? The make of the car perhaps?
(There is a pause as the service agent types into his computer. No doubt a cutting edge Apple Jr.)
SA: It was an Audi.
DCV: My car is a Jetta.
SA: I can see that on our system.
DCV: Great! So you can remove the ticket?
SA: No.
DCV: Who was the Audi registered to?
SA: I can't tell you that.
DCV: Was it registered to me?
SA: No.
DCV: Great! So you can remove the ticket?
SA: No.
DCV: Why not?
SA: I need your registration.
DCV: For my Jetta?
SA: Yes.
DCV: But you have it there, don't you?
SA: I need your registration.
DCV: But you just confirmed that I have a Jetta registered in my name.
SA: Sir, I can't help you unless you fax me a copy of your registration.
DCV: But you’re the DMV! You know it’s my car! And you said that the Audi wasn't registered to me! I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I don't understand the logic that prohibits you from deducing that this ticket is not mine.
SA: Sir, I can't help you unless you fax me a copy of your registration.
DCV: Fine. What's the number?
(Our hero, being patient, flexible, and compliant, faxes the required documentation and then calls the service agent back.)
DCV: Did you receive my fax?
SA: Yes.
DCV: So I can register my car because the ticket is being removed?
SA: No.
DCV: Oh God why?
SA: This Jetta is being leased by the same company as the Audi.
DCV: So?
SA: That's quite a coincidence.
DCV: I'm not sure I understand.
SA: The lease to your Jetta is held by the same company that holds the lease on the Audi. That's quite a coincidence sir.
DCV: Not really. Maybe one number was written incorrectly on the ticket. Instead of the Audi getting the ticket, I got it. One number off, see? Please?
SA: I'm afraid you're going to have to prove that you never owned an Audi before I can do anything for you sir.
DCV: But how am I supposed to prove a negative?
SA: I'm afraid you're going to have to prove that you never owned an Audi before I can do anything for you sir....
posted by DC Viking at 9:02 PM
3 Comments:
That's brilliant.
In a funny, but awful way.
Good luck in your adventures with the behemoth of incompotent and inflexible bureaucracy.
Thanks Jinxy. It actually got sorted out yesterday afternoon after something like 7 phone calls to 3 different departments and a trip to the DMV. The initial call was the best in a 'funny if it wasn't me way', though.
Oh my gosh! That is a riot!
No wonder postal workers go postal. Can you imagine being surrounded by people who think like that all the time?!!!!
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